Angle vs Roode is the main event, it's Halloween and Hulk Hogan is not currently employed by TNA. Surely Impact wouldn't be awful this week, eh? Surely.
No such luck. Dixie Carter opened the show with the worst thing I've ever seen. Not even the worst wrestling promo, the worst thing. The single most harrowing thing these eyes have seen in 24 years and 9 months. I'm in shock a wee bit at how truly terrible it was. She declares that AJ Styles is no longer her world champion, and he is probably going around trailers trick or treating. This is not heel promo work by the way, don't let anyone tell you this Dixie being a heel, Dixie gets booed during these promos because she's awful and perhaps more importantly SHE DOESN'T BELONG.
She says there's going to be a tournament to crown a new champion. She calls out the participants in the tournament, which will feature Sabin, Angle, Samoa Joe, Hardy, Roode, James Storm and Aries. The 8th spot will be filled after another gauntlet match, because Spike TV demands that TNA bore the audience.
Bully Ray asked why he wasn't in the tournament and Mr. Anderson attacked him for funsies. Security carry Anderson away, and Bully attacks him backstage. A huge mess to kick off the show. The same show that has Angle vs Roode on it, all we really needed for a satisfying opener was maybe an X Division match, or a still shot of Sonjay Dutt eating an apple.
The Bro-Mans vs Storm and Gunner (TNA Tag Title Match)
I know the champions are always due a rematch after they drop the belts, but we really didn't need to see this again. Gunner and Jesse had a solid 30 seconds of action together before they both ran out of moves and had a wee staring contest. Storm looks set to put Jesse away with the superkick but the bronze one slid out. Storm suplexed him back into the ring and Robbie E pulled Storms leg, leading to Jesse landing on Storm, and with Robbie still holding the leg, Jesse got the pin. Dire. Utterly dire.
BAD INFLUENCE! Thank Christ. They're dressed as spies and tell us how they're on the hunt for Abyss. Oh this will most certainly lead to future hi-jinks.
EC3 vs The Jobber from BFG
Same jobber. Same outcome. Same apathy.
Roode making sure with a TNA doctor that Angle is cleared to compete tonight. The doctor is named Scott and seemed like a top guy. Kinda guy who knows a lot of vegan friendly recipes, and is never late for an appointment.
Gauntlet Match to determine who the 8th man in the TNA Title tournament will be
I'm sorry. I can't review the the entirely pointless first 10 minutes of this. As a matter of principle I wont do it. Gauntlet matches of this nature are braindeath. Wrestling purgatory. For my own sanity I simply can't pay it enough attention to review it. It's an over the top rope thing and it involved Knux, Bad Influence, Sting, Magnus, Eric Young and I think someone else. An awful, insufferable mess until Magnus eliminated Sting and Kaz last for the win. Magnus tries to make nice with Sting as he strolls up the ramp inconsolable, but Sting calls him a cottonheaded ninnymuggins and that's the end of that.
ANGLE IS OFFICIALLY MEDICALLY CLEARED! ODB is about to face Gail Kim for the knockouts title also. Maybe the second half of this week's Impact wouldn't be insufferable shit. Then Dixie was interviewed about something called the "Wheel Of Dixie" and I died inside.
ODB vs Gail Kim (Knockouts Title Match)
I enjoyed this. I enjoy ODB. She could wrestle a cardboard cutout of Marc Meros legs. ODB hits a splash in the corner early, before some shenanigans on the outside were followed by ODB reversing a hold from Gail into a half crab.
ODB bossed most of the match actually, and hit an impressive Lou Thesz press off the top rope, but that cant get the job done. ODB hits a front suplex off the top but Lei'd Tapa distracts the ref and Gail rolls ODB up to retain. Solid match, finish made sense, nothing to see here.
Bad Influence again. If the show was just Bad Influence looking for Abyss for 2 hours I'd be cool with it. They examine a pumpkin and find it to have similar characteristics as Abyss.
Eric Young comes out and a melle ensues after he attacks Bad Influence and who else but ABYSS emerged to even the numbers. Some have accused Abyss and Joseph Park as being the same person. Abyss beats them down and emerges in triumph with Young.
Kurt Angle vs Bobby Roode
This is a PPV main event. This is a Wrestlemania main event standard match, so the fact that we're getting it for free is an odd but pleasant surprise. It was a great match. Very similar to the BFG one but for me it had a swifter more engaging pace. This is where the World Title should be. Angle hits a belly to belly off the top rope but only gets a 2 count. And then he just went limp. Seemed like he was playing it like he was paralyzed. Unsettling but it at least gives the BFG finish a bit of context. I hope this isn't a storyline which could lead to Angle maybe retiring.
The show went off air with Angle still down. Assuming the injuries are kayfabe so nothing to worry about, but a little unsettling regardless.
Overall considering it had a surprisingly strong second half, Impact gets 6 double underhook powerbombs outta 10.
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